Caren Ware's Blog

August 8, 2010

Only silhouetted children

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 5:51 pm

A blog explanation here.  I make mention of my children in only selected stories in respect to their adulthood and privacy. Not to be taken as that they are not massively important to me. I am a mom.  I will always be a mom.  There will never be grander more miraculous days in my life than the days my children were born. Tiny fingers, precious toes, temporary gifts from God with whom I took as the most important job of my life.  To feed, cloth, guide, direct, and build in character; to be a mom.  I choose to leave them out of my blog so they can continue to grow and develop in their own individual way and write their own stories some day.

I know my daughter struggles with her mom’s plunge off that cliff into the relational rapid waters below. I know that she is wondering why I have such a hard time connecting.  It will be the chapters in my life some day.  My children have no idea how deep my hurt is from my own untold childhood. I do not even know its depths.  They have no idea the different upbringing they got than me.  As floundered as it was, it was with intent, devotion, zeal, and love.  I am something my daughter thinks that has not been enough.  It would be good for me to listen, but also remember there is a natural struggle between personalities at this age.  Leave it to a teen to let you know your every flaw.

She is being asking straight forward for guidance and help getting off to college.  I am a strong  life swimmer and intend to thread for her through this process.  I also know that a mother/daughter relationship at this age and stage is pitted, especially with two headstrong, varied personalities. I felt her reaching beyond herself and bestowing love and care during the marathon.  She went out of her way to cheer me on, took buses to return for the finish, and waited to be there with a cookie and a jacket. She also shed some honest tears on how hard it was to feel compassionate love from me or connect with me. Her love language is more by touch and conversation than care giving and provision.

I also know my son struggles with body chemistry, body energy.  It has nothing to do with motivation.  He genuinely has crash and burn days and just doesn’t feel good no matter how much sleep.  It is a carry over from the genetic mystery in my husband that I feel so worn out and stumped about.  For my son, it has put a little too much weight on his body. Through lazy food choices and not enough cardio exercise, yes, but there is something that is draining the get up and go.  A big, bad invisible something that doesn’t show up on thyroid tests or any basic physicals.

But I can only hope my provision and motherly tasks for my kids speaks loudly and my blundered attempts at devoted parenting will be felt through their lifetimes despite my self-protected distance, vibes, and needy decisions. I, too, am in process. So this blog is about me. Blunderous, impulsive, explorative me.

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