Caren Ware's Blog

June 16, 2010

At a 10!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 5:33 pm

“Take it to a 10!”  Cash, a brick house man of a man with a Southern drawl jumps up and down in a kid voiced tantrum.  It was hilarious.  “Take it to a 10!”  Taylor, with his dimpled chin and curly hair to die for pretends to zen.  Cross-legged yoga style, he hums, soaking in the universe’s powers when one eye pops open and he appeals to the audience, “ARE YOU FEELING IT WITH ME!”. We laugh.  But when my turn, I talk right over my partner, don’t  connect to what he is saying, and get a deserved half hour talking to by the instructor.  When asked how  that made me feel, to hear all the things I needed to work on, my chin set to moving despite my rebukes and the tears couldn’t be squelched.  Believe me.  I tried to will them back.  I  could feel how I just couldn’t give up the self-protection. Also, I couldn’t hide my take charge obstinacy I have survived on. By being the authority, I keep my vow  to never give in to anything that wishes to oppress me.  These lacks he was addressing were so in my core .The reasons I had built up issues  made me frustratingly angry. I didn’t know how to place that angry so it rushed into hurt. Hurts to cry at my age in front of a group of people I have learned to love and trust, but STILL can’t connect with.  If only I could blurt out what the last weeks and  months had been like for me.  The attacks and damage of dealing with divorce.  The infliction.  The axe swings at my esteem. All the ‘ex’s attempts to exasperate or douse my search to discover, recover,  and explore.  Down to verbally bashing and wanting to  roadblock   my goal to run a marathon remotely on every continent.  Sorry class.  There was self-protection in me . Self preservation in me.  I was under seige.  I was at war, even war with myself.  This is hard to put aside.  It will with time and courage.  Oddly,this  battle with divorce ,was un-bandaiding  old childhood wounds that just added to the pile of pain.  Ugh.  Take it to a 10? This was the level 10 in my life right now.

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