Caren Ware's Blog

June 2, 2010

Dead, death, and dying

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 7:51 am

DEAD. I feel like my dissolved marriage is dead.  Been dead. I’m dead in it.  It has that numb, confusing pain of wishing it hadn’t happened this way. Wishing it wasn’t  this draining.  Just wishing it didn’t have to die . Wondering why it did.   Wondering what I am going to do. It was wounded and we left it unaided and ignored.  So it  bleed to death, subtly sapping my willingness to remain committed to it. I don’t know what more to say to that even yet.  Dead things stink.

DEATH. The funeral for the teenage girl who choose to hang herself was today.  There is a defense mechanism built in me that strangely and mysteriously lifts me away from myself and armors me from overwhelming emotion. I think we all have it.  It numbs us so we operate like a spectator instead of a participant when the circumstances are insurmountable or the pain threshhold beyond baring. I was so overcome.  Words could never do justice to the lose that this family was dealing with.  No words.  No words.  And yet, the strength of this family was astounding.  The mom can sing.  So she did.  She sang praise songs and songs of hope…then she sang Ave Maria to her daughter in the casket.  The huge church couldn’t fit the people that came to love and support them.  And it was filled with High School students weeks away from graduating and moments from the next adventure in their lives.  Everyone had that look.  This young girl in the coffin would never see those turns, ebs, and flows of future years. We all lost it when the mom had to let her daughter go. That is a casket that should never have had to be lowered.  No mom should have to ever feel that.  No brother.  No dad.  No grandparent.  That’s all I can write…and it will make me cry for them for a long, long time.

DYING.  Why does the lose of  a relationship, a friendship I didn’t want to end feel so much like death?  I don’t get a choice of how I feel. I don’t get to choose it being gone. So death, yes.  The sense of loss is just there.    It just is what it is and I can’t will or make it go away.  It is raw and open and it hurts.

Someone said they always saw me as fearless.  Willing to take on tasks that others would never attempt.  Willing to work hard.  Willing to persevere.  Undaunted and always moving forward.  They are right.  Courage to Change book had a quote.  “I am not afraid of the storm because I am learning to sail my ship”.  I wasn’t afraid of the storms because I KNEW HOW to sail my ship…adeptly.  Guess life has given me a new vessel to sail.  I have to admit I do not know this ship, don’t trust how it handles storms.  Don’t know exactly how it will navigate .  This does produce fear. But I also know I know how to SAIL through life and I have every intention of become the master of any new vessel I am handling!  Hoist the boom.

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