Caren Ware's Blog

May 26, 2010

Lights. Camera. Action…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 7:31 am

The instructor was seated behind the camera. Her face comes around. “You did that entire scene disconnected. Play a little bit. Like you are talking directly to your kids. Laugh. Lighten up. Connect. Let’s try it again.” Head disappears.
An internal lump lands in my throat as my very core strings are strummed. Play? I had so little of it as a child. There are not reservoirs of playful memories to pool from. I really didn’t know how. I had to search too hard to find one experience. Ok. I trusted the trainer I worked with. He gave me a fleeting glimpse of play. I could see the pained expression on his face when he tried to talk me into being relaxed as we worked out a mental game plan for a national track meet I was about to compete in. He gave up, grabbed me and wrestled me to the ground. I escaped and he captured me by the foot. I made a move back and it was hysterical, two adults wrestling. We laughed until it hurt. Huffing, he let me up and said. “Caren, that is what play feels like.” Oh. The lump? It comes having to learn this in my forties.

The class runs late. At near midnight, I am checking into a motel. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. The sound of the wheels of my ever so present luggage trail me. That, too, feels disconnected. It produces its own lump.

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