Caren Ware's Blog

May 9, 2010

Chances are…a new equation.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 4:59 am

Instead of writing a lot today, I want you to listen to a song. It rolled through my head all morning. I couldn’t work today. Couldn’t answer phone calls. Couldn’t be around anyone. So I ran. And ran. And ran. Slow, long, rolling miles in the breeze with the leaves lightly whispering. I had no thoughts. I could only feel. And I could finally be glad that I was healthy, alive, and outside. That the sun was warming my face. That the grass smelled crisp. Asking God to show me He was really with me. Trying to celebrate being alone. That little Courage to Change book said I should come to value my own company…that I spend more time with myself than anyone else…that I am the most intimate human relationship I will ever have. How come that feels like ‘not’ right now.

Yesterday, I had a gal ask if we could go for a run after a huge Cinco De Mayo race we timed in Orange County. Fun. Her favorite run was out of her house and lead down Aliso Creek in Aliso Viejo. She was just blocks from my brother. Yeah, good excuse to drop in on my bro, a 6 foot 7 inch LA City Firefighter that carried his native Indian heritage well. Tall, dark-skinned, and handsome. My mom was half Cree Indian. He got the quarter. I got the Canadian in my father.

So I went running with her.  I Trotted along, unsuspecting of the act of friendship she was about to bestow. She proceeded to apologize that my “voiced” man was involved in a new, passionate relationship. I stopped in my tracks. I didn’t know. She thought I did. He met this new interest as she vended at the LA Marathon Expo.  I had gone with hime to pick up our bibs.  I get to replay that exchange of too sparky of an introduction over and over in my head.  Sucks to lose someone you hoped to love…of all things, at a marathon expo.  People are questioning how the Los Angeles Marathon plays into the ‘remoteness’ on a continent pursuit I am endeavoring.  My retort, ” You don’t think LA is the biggest of jungles?”.

So. I am just running today. Feeling. Pondering. I am sure I have caused immense hurt to others by my own actions. But, for me, today.  This voice has.  Why this voice? There are lots of voices in my life. Some very special voices. Some that have special interest in me. So why do I hurt so very much that this ONE voice in my life is gone? The only sound is my feet padding along the pavement. Bye, dear dear person in my life. Chances were…

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