Caren Ware's Blog

May 31, 2010

Memorable Memorial Weekend…doesn’t that mean shopping?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 6:11 am

Besides Manhattan Beach 5k, I had timing crews at BrittiCares In Pacific Palisades, Xterra Mission Gorge trail run in San Diego, Brentwood 5k/10K, Storm Baseball Red, White, Blue in Lake Elsinore, and a run at Descano Gardens in La Canada/Flintridge presented by the YMCA. I spent a lot of money this weekend. On staff. On hotels. On parking. On gas. On food. And I took my daughter shopping in Westwood Village and Santa Monica!! We were thrilled when the Starbucks UCLA college girls filled us in on a sercret…a great, cheap shoe place called the Shoe Lot on Westwood Blvd catty corner from the Coffee Bean. We summer accessorized for mere dollars! Sandals for $8. Shoes for $10. Boots for $20. We moved onto Santa Monica and got belts and scarfs at the same discounts. Fun. We stayed two of the nights in LA at the Angelino. That is the tall round 17 story building off the 405 just west of Sunset. It used to be a Holiday Inn. They L.A.- fied it and we were pleased. We watched the Lakers win the conference in the West Restaurant, with its lounge, bar, and formal seating on the 17th floor. Sporting a spectacular, panoramic view it was enjoyably inviting. We welcomed this snatch of social time in our otherwise, demanding weekend. Refreshing. Check it out on http://www.hotelangeleno.com

Two runner trivia things. I have a pair of favorite running shorts. I picked them out in a climbing store in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. They have no brand name on them. Just a picture of a fossilized bird I cannot pronounce. Archaeopteryx. I think they are called a Skort, a combination of a skirt and a short. As I was rapidly trying on and off clothes in Santa Monica I saw a glitter in the mirror. There’s a zipper compartment on the front right legging. What a discover. I have owned these for near a year. You have no idea how much simple pleasure this brought. I am delighted. I always wondered why there were no pockets. Now I can stash my car key when I run in them. Just wanted to let you know in case you own a Archaeopteryx skort!

Buying these cute sandals for the summer may pose a problem. I am losing my BIG TOE NAIL on my left foot. Is this the consequence for running 26.2 miles? It died a death on the LA Marathon. I think it was the .2 that did it. I can remember when my “into pretty” daughter wanted to take up ice skating. We lived in Lake Arrowhead. Every driven little girl wanted to a stab at being the next Michelle Kwan. At four years old, my daughter picked out a ‘cute as a button’ skating outfit and was ready for her first class. The parents sat erected in the bleachers. The instructor went down the line of ‘cute as a button’ girls and slapped safety helmets on them. With a gentle push, he glided them out to the center of the ice rink. Before my daughter even glide to a stop she was pivoted to face the parents. She bellowed, This is NOT pretty!” She shuffled off the ice and on to prettier things in her life. That is how I feel about my toe. “This is NOT pretty!!”

So I finally I get a run in today . I was determined to put some mileage in no matter how little sleep I had. Up since 4am for the La Canada Flintridge YMCA Fiesta Days Run . I felt ughhed.

The 10K course was still marked. It was gorgeous. Every home is a Descanso Gardens in this area. It was fun to run past diverse and stunning yards and huge homes. Every one of them. Large shade trees cooled the way. The course did venture past the freeway across some shimmering pavement, but it soon worked its way up a hill into the sound of a creek and birds chirping and more gorgeous homes. I was droning along with a dead ipod and having dead thoughts when I came to and doubled back. I saw a dirt trail and a railing. A sign said horse trail. I needed more than six miles and this looked inviting. Of course it went up. And up. I had to do the ‘till you can’t run’ thing. It emptied onto a street and a tiny parking area with a sign that said Cherry Canyon,a part of the Santa Monica preserve project. Ohhh. Auhh. I started up a trail called Owl Creek and it was pretty. The Canyon topped out on a spread your eyes view that stretched across the Pasadena basin and into the valley. The San Gabriel Mountains were the perfect back drop. Wow. Wow. Wow. There were dirt roads and I could see that they would lead me back to Descano Gardens. I could run for miles up here. So yahoo I did. I am, again, thoroughly amazed that there is this much ‘outside’ between the freeways. It was the perfect place to unwind. It was a great route to end a hectic weekend. I was thankful to be this healthy. I can say I took the time to be thankful that many had made it possible for me to experience this freedom so freely. Yes, thank you vets. I remembered you.

May 30, 2010

WAVES crashing in on me…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 7:08 pm

Jeff puts on two Manhattan beach races a year. This is YULETIDE.

Yes. This close to the surf.

We will time 6 events this Memorial weekend. I grabbed the opportunity to be at the Manhattan Beach 5k. One of my staff said,” I don’t like that race. You have to trudge through the sand.” I LOVE IT! I like watching the moon cast shadows on the surf, watching Catalina Island and the Palos Verdes Pennisula take form as the hues of morning show up. I proudly took a picture of my outside office. But did I account for the rising tide? Did I comprehend my pillars would be in the surf by the time the race finished? Not. Not again!!

You have to admit this is a GRAND outdoor office!

The race is directed by Jeff Atkinson, a Manhattan Beachresident and surfer dude till he dies. But what a mixture of laid back and Olympic talent. Jeff Atkinson won the Olympic trails in the 1500 and represented our country in Seoul, Korea coming in 10th. A World Class runner that graduated from Stanford University. He ran an American Record mile at 3:55 and the list is endless and almost ageless. He is still hammering top wins and runs. And, yet. He is Jeff. A beach boy, shirtless and shoeless, moving like the waves. I got a rare window of time and an opportunity to join him and his cronnies at the self-claimed hang out, The Shellback on Main Street closest to the Pier. Through pitchers of beer, they declared the rest of the day…DAYCATION. In my book, they had things to celebrate. Jeff was giving back. He took a school that just recently reopened and in 4 short years trained up a State Champion team. Palos Verdes High School Cross Country Boys not only won State this past year…they shattered a long standing record! And the girls came in third. That doesn’t come from ‘bumming’ around. Surfs up to them. And him. He is married to an equally talented runner. Allison Atkinson, in her forties, is shattering age division records in all kinds of distances. So this group of buddies who all became life pals through Club Ed, a running club that has been around for over 30 years, mull over surf stories then declare a round of beach volleyball as the next activity for DAYCATION. They scamper out. Check Jeff’s amazing bio out on his website: www.olympianfitness.com

So, just that morning I am in my outdoor office and a rogue wave dashes up the sand and snatches a grab at my generator. We react fast enough to save the electronics, but the chutes and spindles and etceteras were salt bathed. This was an all too close reminder of a night race we did for Jeff that did crash in on us. Races take place rain or shine. As we set up for this one, a huge demeaning storm came blackening in. It dropped immediate inches of rain. The surf became out of control and smashed over the pier and into the finish line where we were hunkering down in a gully beneath the pier. Unbeknownst to us, the gully was an LA storm control wash and they let the flood gates open in the middle of our race. Needless to say, we were literally and instantly washed out to sea…all 40,000 worth of timing equipment and everyone’s bag checked gear with their cell phones and car keys. We heard the sound of a ringing phone fading and esculating as it got sucked back and forth in the angry waves. It finally silenced when saturated. So did we as we hung ,dripping in our clothes , and tried to take in the incomprehensible facts that all our equipment was somewhere out in that sea.

So I txted someone about my rogue wave this morning. “So much for my outdoor office. Rogue wave just hit me. Waves don’t seem to crash in on you” Txt back. “What a metaphor.” Not the one I want to get tagged for my life…just is the way it is right now.

May 27, 2010

So INCLINED…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 3:08 am

Since I was in Sherman Oaks I called up RUNNERGY, a running store at 14082 Ventura Blvd. (818-905-0020 if you are looking for a running store in this town. Owner’s name is Jeff. http://www.runnergy.com)I asked them about running courses other than Fryman Canyon. Running those same daunting hills over and over were getting to me. They said they had a group that met at their store on Wednesday evenings at 7pm for an easy 4 miler. I had an improv class at that time and actually needed 10 miles in the morning. I found their course on their website http://www.runnergy.com in the calendar section under group runs. Ohhh. There’s a map. Good warm up course. I also took the cursor and moved around the area. There was a green strip named Dixie Canyon. Interesting. I ran for it. Took Valley Heart Dr. off of Ventura west of Coldwater Canyon and went left on Dixie Canyon. This green belt was at the dead end of the road. Dixie Canyon went off to the right and this alley way kept going straight. Dang it was steep. And then there was a footpath, almost too overgrown, but there. It was even steeper. Amazing. Ruggid foilage so close to Ventura Blvd. I had to do the ‘run till you can’t, walk till it gets easy, and haul ass down hill.” The trail was a short loop, but heck…it was outdoorsy. Half way through I noticed leaves that grew in threes with a twing of red on them. Isn’t that poision oak?!! I had a black spec crawling on my white Nike shirt. Aug. A tick. Fling. I dropped back down to the paved Dixie Canyon and ran up…and up..and up. It turned into a dirt road that ran up…and up..and up. I was getting plastered and I am from 6,000 feet in the mountains. Quite a run I didn’t mean to tackle. Needless to say, I took a cold, soapy shower back at the motel…and hope to miss the experience of an ichy rash from poision oak and believe I checked every inch for ticks!

Improv class had an even stronger reprimend for my disconnected behavior. “You need to LISTEN to what the other stage persons are saying. You can’t take charge. You are killing me.” I am killing myself…trying. I think the suicide of the teen last week, the pressure of the race schedules with its deadlines, missing the friendship of ‘the voice’ were clogging my mind, but it is so more core than that. The instructor was trying so thoroughly to get through to me. How can I put into words why I don’t have natural connection? How can I explain to these people where I have come from; what I have come through. This was striking up the entire emotional orchestra in me. There’s that dang childhood thing again. Allowing new learned responses in me is the very reason I put myself into these classes. Can I admit I cried all the way home. That’s a lot of crying. It takes 2 solid hours to drive back up the mountains and I was doing so at 1am in the morning.   I think self will and obstinacy is an area I could use some growth in.

Runner’s World has an article  in the June issue on running hills, entitled “So inclined”.  It is a great read and makes sense.  I hardly can think about form when I am running a hill.  I think ‘uggggg’. Yes, life feels like I  am on an uphill route right now.

May 26, 2010

Lights. Camera. Action…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 7:31 am

The instructor was seated behind the camera. Her face comes around. “You did that entire scene disconnected. Play a little bit. Like you are talking directly to your kids. Laugh. Lighten up. Connect. Let’s try it again.” Head disappears.
An internal lump lands in my throat as my very core strings are strummed. Play? I had so little of it as a child. There are not reservoirs of playful memories to pool from. I really didn’t know how. I had to search too hard to find one experience. Ok. I trusted the trainer I worked with. He gave me a fleeting glimpse of play. I could see the pained expression on his face when he tried to talk me into being relaxed as we worked out a mental game plan for a national track meet I was about to compete in. He gave up, grabbed me and wrestled me to the ground. I escaped and he captured me by the foot. I made a move back and it was hysterical, two adults wrestling. We laughed until it hurt. Huffing, he let me up and said. “Caren, that is what play feels like.” Oh. The lump? It comes having to learn this in my forties.

The class runs late. At near midnight, I am checking into a motel. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. The sound of the wheels of my ever so present luggage trail me. That, too, feels disconnected. It produces its own lump.

May 24, 2010

Timing IS EVERYTHING!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 7:23 am

In case you didn’t know, I own and operate PRIME TIME, an event race timing company. We database all the entrants, assemble bibs and chips, bring all the computerized, technical timing equipment, set up scaffoldings and chutes, registration areas, and staff the major portions an event to ensure the event gets accurate times and division places are presented. In order to make a living at it, it we time close to 120 events per year. That is 2 to 6 events per weekend save Christmas, Easter, and only a handful of other off dates. For the most part, I am on the road, on the go every weekend. They call me “the weeker’ as opposed to a weekender in the mountains where I reside. We have a great reputation that we work hard at. This past weekend we timed the SB Mud Run, the first of an IRONKIDS series race in San Diego, a 5k/10K in Claremont, and a race at CBS Studios. There is usually very little sleep as the alarm goes off at 3am and we begin setting up at 4am.

So I ran today from CBS Studios. ( I decided to watch the final stage of the Tour of California on the 8pm T.V. coverage rather than race up the road and fight my way to the finish) I needed at least a 13-15 mile run. Didn’t make it too far. There was a cool farmer’s market. I ran back to my truck and grabbed an ATM card. Ran to a bank and got cash. Ran back to the farmer’s market and had fun picking out sprouts, beans, an assortment of lettuce, organic carrots,cucumbers ,and all the fixings to make a killer salad. Plus there were raisins and nuts from Arvin, just over the grapevine in Central California. Delicious. Cracked the windows in the truck, inserted my bags of good goodies, turned the generator off in the back of my truck that was charging my Ipod…and finally started to run. I ran all over. Through neighbors to Tujunga Blvd and back on Ventura . Then I turned for the hills at Laurel Canyon and Fryman Canyon. Ugh. It became a huge problem. The weight of the weekend, lack of sleep, the cycling to the Artic Circle to view Friday’s Tour of California didn’t really take charge until I tried to charge up a hill. I couldn’t do it no matter how hard I willed. I wanted to throw up. I stopped and walked twice and took the rest of it at a crawl. I haven’t had to do that in a while and it was humbling. So I listened to my body and dropped back down and just ran flat miles.

Hey, when I am not so tired I am going to tell you about the PRIME TIME crew in the picture…they were the Belmont Boys plus a gal and it is quite a RUNNER’s story.

May 23, 2010

Down Right Dirty!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 6:32 am

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We timed the San Bernardino Sheriff’s MUD RUN today. It was held at their training academy in Devore. Couldn’t ask for a more moon scape place to host mud pits and obstacles. But, better yet, couldn’t ask for a better set of BOYS to tactically plan and stage such an event. It, bar none, was the most epic start of any race I have ever timed…ever. Instead of snow fencing to coral the close to 3,000 starters, they used patrol squad cars. 20 of them. Right before the race went off they synched the sirens on all the cars .Fire trucks starting spraying down the crowd. Not only did they do the traditional national anthem, they brought in the guard and dropped the largest American Flag I have ever seen wave from a huge boom lift. The starting platforms for the officials were two huge, huge earth mover trucks. Just looked the part even before the race started.
Right before the gun went off, helicopters (one piloted by a Sheriff friend of ours, Mike Ells) came for a fly by…kinda of. They then dipped in an did a one skid plate landing as pink smoke bombs were tossed and blowing. As they came in just feet from the finish dust dramatically blew everywhere…and army tactic men poured out of the bellies of the copters shooting blank bulleted machine guns. It that wasn’t the ‘real live performance’ when the gun went off they blew up 1000s of gallons of water and a ditch and fireworks went off everywhere. WOW! We ran back to the finish with the timing computers, grit in our teeth from smiling so much. It was very COOL.
The participants got their money’s worth. There were over 100 obstacles to maneuver through, under, and over. It got boggier and boggier as the crowd waded through and finally people were down right stuck in the mud. Hilarious and triumphant, people were having a kick trying it. They even let the kids have a go at a shorter distance. Should have seen the looks on some of those little girl’s faces. “What the heck did I do this for…now I am all dirty?!” We couldn’t help, but get dusted out too. My staff just jumped in and handled the caked and oozy crowd. If we hadn’t had to race off to three afternoon packet pick ups we would have jumped in the bogs with them! Thank you San Bernardino County Sheriffs for an, in the trenches, day . We need more chances to our guards down and get DOWN RIGHT DIRTY!

May 22, 2010

Phased! World’s Best: Amgen Tour of California Cycling Stage 6.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 6:36 am

Today was Phase 6 of the Amgen Tour of California, a USA born Tour de France. (Check out http://www.amgentourofcalifornia.com) Some of the worlds best cyclists raced from Palmdale in the high desert to Big Bear at 7,000 feet. Tomorrow they will be doing speed laps around downtown Los Angeles. And Sunday they will end on a hill circuit in the Santa Monica Mountains out of Thousand Oaks. But TODAY…they were in my backyard, my training roads, my hill climbs. Two great places to ride are the backside of Crestline out by Silverwood Lake on Hwy 138…and parking at Snow Valley and riding to Big Bear going around the lake through Fawnskin. Both have killer hill climbs ,but great open stretches and lots of curves.
I pal-ed around at the finish line. Great crowd. Great expo. But I do finish lines for a profession. I had to experience the pack so I clipped in and rode all the way back out to what we call ‘the Artic Circle’. That is the stretch of Hwy 18 after the hill climb out of Running Springs. It opens up , has drop offs ,and is hugging the mountainside.Trecherous in icy, snowy conditions. And vast and remote, what one should envision the mountains to be.

I stood out there. It felt like waiting for the arrival of a baby. Any day now! And finally, little signs of the soon to be miracle. A helicopter hovering in the distance. Motor cops speeding by. Course marshals clearing the way. (whimsical looks at me as to how I got out there on my lone spot.) And then camera men on the backs of motorcycles and the leaders come whizzing by. Fittest human beings I have ever seen. Then the support cars with the bikes. It was all so delightful. I was thrilled.

May 21, 2010

The sun keeps setting…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 5:50 am

In at 1am last night from the Improv class. Not complaining. Couldn’t think of a better place for me to acquire natural, free flowing communication skills. It only works on stage when you CONNECT to the other person. WAIT. LISTEN (big word for fast tracked me). BE all about the other person. And ,then ,a connected and special scene starts to form, without working at it. I have learned to love and appreciate all the aspects of each person in that class and that is an even bigger learning nugget then communication skills . PEOPLE. That each person is so divinely themselves that their mannerism, likes, dislikes, tempo, physical features, all shapes and sizes make them a present worth interacting with. We can PLAY off of anyone. We can have them join in. And we all make up a great scene of human diversity. I hope I am decribing this right. But what a discovery this is for me and the connectedness makes me reverent and I am relaxing.

So here’s today. 7am. Phones ringing. Emails for some race results changes and stats. 4 complicated races to pre prep this weekend. The San Bernardino Mud Run looks like it will have close to 3,000 gutsy participants who will wallow in a well staged obstacle bog. The Ironman Company is getting prodigies enthused about triathlons in their IRONKIDS series. We time one of these ,staged like a full IRONMAN ,events in San Diego this weekend. Plus we have two other 5k/10K runs. The download from Active.com blocked out 1400 of the ages for the Mud Run. That would be a problem! Half the crowd not getting their age division standings. We did a lot of jockeying with the tech crew to fix that. So the day went on and on with triathlon chips, bibs, and trucks and trailers, and it grew grey and then dark outside…and I was determined to run my 8 miles. So determined I left at 8:30 in the dark. Needless to say, I was pissy today. I didn’t want to run in the dark. I wanted my work day to end when it should have. I was angry today. Angry that the world didn’t get to stop. Something so very tragic had happened and I just now would get to grapple with it.

So in the dark, I ran feeling the pavement beneath my feet. Hating that I lived in the mountains and had no choice, but to run a solid mile up hill no matter which direction. Ugh. But then there was this sliverr of a half moon. And the stars actually twinkled. An a loan coyoted yelped way off in the distance. And I ran by a pond somewhere because zillions of frogs were croaking .They really do ribbit. And the wind was still. The trees were still. And the temperatures teasing with a subtle hint of summer. I felt…glad to be here. So I let myself be in this moment and just run and run. God, you have to be something BIG. And I ask You to be BIG enough to strengthen a single mother and her two sons right now. I was finally ready to let myself feel the tragedy. We had become close to this single mom and her three children when my daughter and Jim had done productions at LIFEHOUSE theatre in Redlands. My daughter choose to go to a performing arts Highschool for a while and commuted, using their address. She stayed with them many times. Although, black, (skin just being a color on the outside) they took us in as family. Kinship. The entire pod were theatrical and had gifted voices and outrageous personalities. We were being told that the teenage daughter was struggling. Sturggling with being accepted, eating, with…just teen struggling. Don’t all teens? But this one did’t get the chance to DISCVOERY that nugget of truth. That each of us comes in all shapes and sizes and that we matter immensely. That we PLAY off of each other and that a stage, the stage of life, is ,most intereseting when it is FULL of characters. All kinds. Not just cheerleaders and football players. That the quirky and mild, and intense and determined , are as much, or more intriguing.

This precious, hard working, humerous, talented mom got to find her daughter in their home, HUNG, last night. Her daughter took her own life. And her brothers that loved her so.. How can this be? How can we not convey to everybody that we are NUGGETs. God’s golden choices. As individually unique as our finger prints. I KNOW this mother showered this on her daughter and she still chose to hear another voice. Sometimes, it IS hard for any of us. There are times we all feel like we on the bottom. Disjointed. But we can discover that by being about the people around us. Just being willing to LISTEN. To wait. And to be about the other people on the stage and relishing their uniqueness makes connectiveness…and we don’t even have to work at it. It just happens. And it is beautiful. Interacting with people becomes beautiful.

Feel the tragedy of this all with me. It is what crying is for. Feel for the mom and her two sons. Oh, so dang. That was a young, young life that didn’t get to DISCOVER.

May 16, 2010

I am sure the photographer wanted to ‘shoot” me

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 7:31 am

Next week I’ll have some studio stuff to share with you. I can tell David is a great photographer, passionate about angles, lighting, and not willing to give up until he gets the shot he is looking for. I was a hard subject. TOO, TOO, TOO. Too much going on to get here. Too much left behind (like shoes, all of them. We did a lot of barefoot shots!), and too tense. It took a lot of coaxing and wardrobe changes and FINALLY the personality did what improv is trying to get me to discover. Just relax and let it happen. “GO OUT THERE AND MAKE A MISTAKE!!!” That’s when it gets real. That’s when its soft and personable. And that’s when it becomes fun. I thank the crew that day,: make-up artist, grip, and the photographer for being patient. We shot for 6 straight hours.
Go to POPPYLAR and click on David’s site. He has done some stunning coverage in Vietnam. And he excels at portraits. Side note on him. He wrote lyrics for, Steele Dan and is married to an A plus, talented wife who is a sought after casting director. (Hope I got that band right). They are blessed with a beautiful home so nestled in nature you’d never know you were in the city. Credit also to the make up artist, who was MORE than patient. I appreciated her years of experience. She’d be super for weddings/do ups. BESTY diFRANCESCA 818 786-0422. http://www.bestsymh.com , as well as, photo shoots. She can definitely handle a long day.

Best part of the day, I had my daughter with me and we lunched at a healthy yum yum restaurant called Hugos (corner of Coldwater and Riverside just north of the freeway) and dined at a Coffee Cafe on Tujunga just south of Moorpark. Right hand side. Great salads and deserts to DIE DIE for. All healthy! And we did an hour upper and abs workout at a LA Fitness. YES!

May 15, 2010

Hit the ground running or…just duck.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Caren Ware @ 6:45 am

Last Friday. Ok. Had to get to a packet pick up in El Segundo (Dick’s Sporting Goods) for the Palos Verdes Marathon. Great, then I will run their Half Marathon Course. That will be my long run for the week. I am only 10 weeks out from my first ‘OFF this CONTINENT” Marathon. But logistics for getting ready for the timing the event and the Friday traffic cut my time short and I only got 7 miles in. They were pretty. Rolling Hills Estates and Palos Verdes Peninsula is some of the best vista coastline in California. Plus it is plush. And I like plush. I like manicured landscaping, custom, unique homes, and pristine streets. Best are hills that you can look out from. But the mileage was short. So on Sunday, I try again. Ok. I will go back up the mountain after we time the Mayor’s Route 66 5k/10K. I purposely took the closer event and let my staff take care of a complicated Sports Festival in Encinitas. My plan was to dash back up the hill and run loops around Lake Gregory in Crestline. The county had smoothed out a dirt running path all the way around the lake. You could mix it up with some trails and it was always pleasant mileage. Plus I could end it at Lake Gregory Coffee Shop and they had killer sandwiches and baked goods. Yum. It is all about the rewards! But no, two of my staff needed to get back to their car in the mountains. I had to wait their arrival from Encinitas at a gas station in Devore. No offense, population that lives there, but what the heck. Devore is where the 15 and the 215 meet…on the way somewhere else. I took off on my run as I waited…in the heat. In the smog. By industrial buildings. Over railroad tracks. By a bar. They all piled out to whoop and watch me run by. Drunk at noon. Too sorry. Two broken down carloads drove by. Too slow. Windows rolling down. Comments. Not willing to listen to what they said. No eye contact. Made it to Glen Helen Park. It was large and largely under used. Only salvage were the colorful ducks. I stopped running and watched them for a few minutes. Then I felt overworked and sorry for myself . I gave up, made my way back to my parked truck at the gas station and just waited till I could pick up my staff and go take a shower.

The little Courage to Change book said that today is all I have. To make today the most fully alive day I have ever experienced. Not. Today felt ugly. I missed the voice. Didn’t want any other voice. I didn’t like today. I spent a lifetime caretaking and working and being disconnected. It all felt so cumulative. I was tired from the volume of it all. I needed sleep. I needed rest. Not a run.

Ps. My bumper came to $1295. Add that to my daughter’s lost retainers and the gas hose I pulled out of the tank….my travel fund just got smaller and my motivation to have to replace it will have to get bigger. No room for sorrys.

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